Nobody turns up to a Starmer speech expecting to have their ribs tickled

Was Keir Starmer once beaten up by an actor?

Was he bullied by a clown?

Something must have happened in his past to explain his visceral aversion to performers and showmen.

He rarely makes a speech these days without attacking those who take to a stage with a spring in their step and a quip on their lips. He appears to reject the very notions of bluster and bonhomie.

OK, he might not actually stand opposed to geniality, but he wants us to know that he isn’t here for a good time and it’s not his job to cheer us up. True, nobody ever turned up to a Starmer speech to have their ribs tickled, but they might have hoped for a bit of vision.

There was a reference to “light at the end of the tunnel” but after listening to the rest of the speech it seemed as if this might be an oncoming train rather than a sun-bathed destination.

The Prime Minister clearly sees it as his job to roll up his expensive sleeves and instil a bit of discipline in a country that went soft under Boris Johnson. Ah ha, that’s the clown that gave him such a hard time! It all makes sense now. That’s who he has in mind when he dismisses the “weak and cowardly fantasy of populism.”

We’ll get no such snake oil from this hardened prosecutor. After all, politics is not a popularity context. And this is just as well, since Starmer’s popularity rating has slipped lower than Rishi Sunak’s – and Sunak, in case you can’t remember, was not popular.

But Starmer intends to meet this difficult reality with a trio of tools that have never left him down: “stability, moderation and common sense.”

That’s what the country needs, and that’s what we’re going to get.

Along with pylons. And prisons. And if it’s jokes you’re after, well, Tory conference starts on Sunday.