Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing is hypocrisy in action

There is nothing like the shrill clatter of the hoves of hypocrisy across the cobbles of capitalism to set one’s teeth on edge. Like the squeal of chalk across the blackboard, it discombobulates in a most uncomfortable way. So just what it is that has me clenching my jaw and wishing the noise would stop – in a nutshell, it’s Oasis. Oh, that they would stop… Please make them stop. Stop going on about Oasis.

I know what you are thinking. The last thing the world needs is another rant about some moany mega-rich Mancunian megastars.

I agree.

The static and media white noise the reunion has generated is truly deafening. It’s akin to being locked in a crate of squabbling geese.

There are so many voices, so many contradicting opinions, yet all hoping to surf the slipstream of this insane click-a-thon.

By now you might have guessed I care very little for Oasis and even less for their music.

So, the first question I ask myself in the face of this media-feeding frenzy is this – how many penguins have died thanks to this online insanity and digital tsunami?

Penguins? What on earth is he on about? Has he been drinking Brasso or eating shoe polish? No, all that virtual hot air didn’t reach the temperature of a “Champagne Supernova” (see what I did there) for free!

Our computers and laptops are not powered by free will, wishful thinking, or hope alone. It’s the hope that kills you and the polar bears. And the last time I looked, my machine was powered by the mains.

As ridiculous as this will sound, the energy used by about 1m people waiting in the queue for Oasis tickets, was roughly equivalent to boiling the kettle for about 2.5m cups of tea, releasing approximately 160,000 kilograms (or 160 metric tons) of CO2  into the atmosphere and wasting £109,312.50 worth of electricity. Let alone sealing the fate of god alone knows how many penguins.

To make matters worse, all the while you were focused on the queuing process, Ticketmaster was moving the gateposts – well, more than moving.

More mounting them on mopeds and riding into the sunset. And as you were distracted watching those dots disappear over the horizon, they only went and increased the prices.

It’s dynamic pricing, darling; stop being so last year.

Dynamic pricing!

That’s a novel way of holding your feet to the fire. Did you know dynamic pricing is an anagram of I’ve got you over a barrel?

Ok, I know it’s not, but it feels like it should be. But that’s capitalism. And that’s the rub of the green and the nub of the point.

As a card-carrying member of the Labour Party, I have issues with capitalism and globalism, admittedly, but the thing that gets my goat is hypocrisy.

Dynamic pricing is nothing of the sort. It’s nothing but another way of saying change; ok, I’m at an age where I’m not a fan of change. But only here does it mean you are unlikely to see any – loose or otherwise.  It seems that dynamic “change” is only in one direction. Up!

You’d be forgiven for thinking that if this was truly a dynamic process, prices might perhaps go down as well. But do they ever?

No, so it’s just a capitalist coda for getting stuffed.

Now, I have no idea if Oasis asked for this pricing model, but they could have said no.

As it happens, I’d have nothing against dynamic pricing—that’s only if it really was allowed to be dynamic.

Now, here’s an idea. How about a truly dynamic example of capitalism in motion?  Let the markets decide. What’s good for their golden goose should be good for the gander.

If, for the sake of argument, you were one of the unlucky ones who beat the queue and purchased tickets regardless of the cost to you or the environment (think of the poor penguins) – they are yours – full stop. To do with what you wish. This also means that if you’d rather have “Cigarettes & Alcohol” than see Oasis live, you can resell those tickets in whatever dynamic fashion you feel free to employ.

EBay, Vinted, down the pub, or up in the City, cash or crypto, even better barter. Your tickets, your call, your profit, now that’s what I call a free market economy.

To be honest – I thought that was how it worked.

Sadly Ticketmaster doesn’t believe in such a level playing field or even a two-way street.

Just hinting at such a radical free-market move will get your tickets cancelled—and that’s the very definition of hypocrisy. It’s so out of tune with basic economics that it’s shocking—a bit like Oasis, really.