Worst corporate jargon of the week: The roadmap
"Get in losers! We’re going to lift sales by five per cent in quarter four!"
Every one of us has been an email chain which is borderline unintelligible for the amount of corporate lingo thrown in there. At City A.M., we’re taking a stand and calling out the worst jargon which travels around the City faster than you can drink an overpriced pint. This week: roadmap.
What does it mean?
A “roadmap” is a strategic plan that involves a timeline, details of the work required to achieve the goal and a strategy.
What does it actually mean?
It’s a plan.
What could it be confused with?
- Part of the Ordnance Survey collection
- An orienteering tool
Who uses it?
Anyone and everyone the world over, it would seem – you don’t need to have a car, any topographical knowledge, any intention of boarding a vehicle, nor – indeed – any real grasp of what a map is and should be. Alarmingly, the most Serious professionals are referencing roadmaps with gusto. Foreign policy experts dream of ‘roadmaps to peace’. Economists are guilty of describing ‘roadmaps to financial recovery’.
On the other side of Extremely Serious, senior product managers write social media posts like: “Ever had a product roadmap that felt more like a road to nowhere? I once confidently presented a roadmap to my executive team, only to realise it solved ZERO customer problems. Talk about a facepalm moment!” Quite.
“Get in losers! We’re going to lift sales by five per cent in quarter four!”
Should we be worried?
Undoubtedly. Your boss shouldn’t invite you to hop in her/his car, even if it’s more pleasurable to imagine being in a VW campervan and you’re going to Cali than a summary meeting in the boardroom. Similarly, if you’re looking to live your life amidst a backdrop of jazz, poetry and drug use, don’t rock up at the City-scraper office on a Tuesday morning.
After all – “Get in losers! We’re going to lift sales by five per cent in quarter four,” is not a phrase you’d gladly hear from the deputy head of growth. And that’s okay. Realistically, you don’t wanna get in a Ford Fiesta with the sales department. Nor do you want to go on an endless non-stop manic coast to coast travel at high speed with Phil from ops. Or take LSD with the blokes from IT.
Because, let’s be honest, whatever language is used, nothing will change the fact that growing the business, the economy or achieving international world peace is not akin to taking a road trip.
How do we get rid of it?
Drop a copy of On the Road on the next Offender’s desk. An up-close-and-personal account with Jack Kerouac’s lewd adventures will hopefully make the delineation between a stoner road trip and “aeropress product launch plan” a little clearer. For our more stubborn “roadmap” drivers, amp up the aggro with a further gift of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, a bag of shrooms and a compass.
If those don’t work, ambush the Offender at the end of play (EOP) and force drive them around the UK while listening to Road to Nowhere on full volume until they rip up every map in sight. Ah, the sweet sound of revenge.
